Sleep is something we all need, every single night. But when it isn’t going well, the effects rarely stay in the bedroom.
A bad night can follow us into the next day. We might feel more irritable, struggle to concentrate, find everyday stresses harder to manage or simply feel unlike ourselves. And when poor sleep becomes a regular occurrence, it can begin to affect not only the person struggling to sleep, but the person sleeping beside them too.
This World Mental Health Day, we wanted to talk about that connection. Not because sleep is the answer to every mental health problem, it isn’t. But because sleep, wellbeing and our relationships are often much more intertwined than we realise.
And sometimes, a better night starts with listening.
Sleep and mental health go both ways
Most of us know what we feel like after a terrible night's sleep. Everything can feel that little bit harder.
The relationship between sleep and mental health can work in both directions. Poor sleep can affect our mood, concentration and ability to cope, while stress, anxiety and other mental health difficulties can make getting a good night's sleep more difficult in the first place.
The NHS Every Mind Matters guidance on sleep explains more about the relationship between sleep and mental wellbeing, including practical advice for improving sleep.
The Mental Health Foundation also explores sleep and mental health, highlighting just how important good quality sleep can be for our overall wellbeing.
But there is another side to the conversation that we don't always talk about.
What happens when one person's sleep starts affecting two?
When one person's sleep affects two
If you share a bed with someone who snores, you'll probably know this scenario all too well.
You wake up. They're snoring.
You nudge them.
They stop.
You start drifting off again.
And then... it starts again.
At 2am, it's annoying. At 3am, it's really annoying. And by breakfast, neither of you is particularly delighted with the other.
It's easy to laugh about snoring, but repeated disrupted nights can become genuinely frustrating for couples.
Research published by the Mental Health Foundation found that 38% of adults felt the way they sleep affected their relationships, while 14% reported that poor sleep had resulted in more arguments with family or partners during the previous month.
So when sleep becomes a source of tension in a relationship, it isn't necessarily about the snoring itself. It can be about everything that comes with it: broken sleep, tired mornings, shorter tempers and two people who are both exhausted for completely different reasons.
What is a 'sleep divorce'?
Despite the rather dramatic name, a sleep divorce doesn't actually have anything to do with divorce.
It simply describes couples choosing to sleep separately, either occasionally or regularly, because they sleep better that way.
For some couples, that works brilliantly. If one person snores, works different hours, moves constantly in their sleep or simply has very different sleeping habits, separate rooms can mean both people get the rest they need.
And choosing to sleep separately certainly doesn't mean there's something wrong with your relationship.
But there is a conversation worth having about why you've ended up there.
Sleeping separately isn't necessarily the problem. Not talking about why you're sleeping separately can be.
If you're moving to the spare room night after night because your partner's snoring is keeping you awake, or you're the person waking up feeling guilty because you've disturbed them again, it might be time to talk about it properly.
Not at 3am.
Preferably when you've both had a coffee. Or, in our case, something caffeine free.
Before trying to fix it, listen
This year's World Mental Health Day is a useful reminder that sometimes people don't immediately need us to solve something.
Sometimes they need us to hear them.
If poor sleep is affecting someone you love, start there.
Rather than "You kept me awake all night again," try asking how they're sleeping too. Are they waking up tired? Have they noticed their snoring getting worse? Are they stressed? Has something changed?
And if you're the person whose sleep is being disrupted, talk about how it's affecting you without turning the conversation into blame.
The Mental Health Foundation has put together a genuinely useful guide on how good listening skills can support someone's mental health and wellbeing. It covers things like giving someone your full attention, listening without judgement and resisting the urge to immediately jump in with a solution.
Because sometimes "How are you?" isn't really enough.
"How are you sleeping?" can tell us quite a lot too.
And if snoring is part of the problem?
Once you've had the conversation, you can start looking at what might actually be disrupting your nights.
Snoring can have different causes, so understanding why someone snores matters.
Zeus has been developed specifically for tongue and throat snoring. Worn beneath the chin overnight, it uses gentle neuromuscular stimulation to activate the muscles involved in keeping the upper airway open.
It's non-invasive, drug-free and designed to work while you sleep.
If tongue and throat snoring is regularly disturbing your sleep or your partner's, addressing the source of that disruption may be one part of creating a better sleep environment for both of you.
And importantly, Zeus isn't a mental health treatment. We're not going to pretend that stopping someone snoring solves everything.
But we do believe better conversations about sleep matter.
And if snoring is the thing regularly coming between you and a good night's rest, it's worth doing something about it.
Keep the conversation going
World Mental Health Day takes place on 10 October, but checking in with the people around us shouldn't be something we only do once a year.
Tonight, ask someone how they're doing.
Ask how they're sleeping.
Ask what's been on their mind.
And when they answer, actually listen.
You don't necessarily need to have the answer. You don't need to fix everything. Sometimes simply giving somebody the space to talk is a pretty good place to start.
Sometimes, a better night starts with listening.
For information, advice and resources around mental health and wellbeing, visit the Mental Health Foundation's World Mental Health Day resources.
If you're struggling with your mental health or feel you need additional support, please speak to a healthcare professional or use the Mental Health Foundation's guidance to find appropriate support services.
